Congrats to Kaner, Not to Nippler

When you cheat to try and win a title, a little asterisk goes next to your name in the record books. However, this year there will be no asterisk. Even though the Nippler cheated, he best wasn't good enough. Defeated in the semi-finals, Steve could only capture the Consolation Bowl title. Serves him right.

However, our illustrious champion should be congratulated. For the first three weeks he was in last place, but overcame those odds to finish in 2nd in points and claim the ever-elusive Sqffl Acorn Trophy. And to add glory to the prize, Kaner defeated the best owner in franchise history. Me! Kaner shakes the Shenko stigma and cashes in big!

Even though Sqrl finishes in the money for the 3rd year in a row, he wasn't able to claim the points title. Fun-in-a-can cheated his way to the top and claimed that prize. *Steve has now replaced Frank Sebold and Dtz as the nefarious cheater of the SQFFL.

The best race came down to third place for points. Instead of pocketing $250 and an in-the-money-finish, Matt will actually owe money this year. He lost 2nd place by only one point. One measly point. Was it the bad trading? Was it the time spent looking for his glasses instead of paying attention to football? No one will ever know but him. Imagine that. One point. In years past, Matt was always one to top the transaction chart. This year he didn't even use his full free $20. Correlation? Definitely. Time to retire, Matt. Your time has passed.

To speak of cheating again, I don't how he did it, but I know he did it. I'm not going to make a big "stink" about it since it's only the toilet bowl, but we all know the deal. We don't need the Mitchell report to tell us Barry is on roids and Dtz cheats.

Not that he won anything from the SQFFL, but Teacher walks away a winner as well. For like the millionth season in a row, Bill smacks Kyle around like a red-headed step child. That's a free league fee. Fudd also lost some golfing money to Teacher, $100 to be exact, so that will be included here.

So, the final winners are....

Kaner = Sqffl Title and 2nd place points
Steve = Points title and Consolation Prize
Sqrl = Fantasy Bowl runner-up
Matt = 3rd Place points
Dtz = Piece of Shit

So, now let's get to the good part. The Finances. Follow closely because this gets tricky.

There are 12 people in the league. The league fee is $150. My fee goes to paying for the website, so that leaves $1650 in the pot. (11 x $150). There was also $106 in transaction money.

Here is what the Winners receive.

Kaner = $450 (SQFFL) + $250 (2nd points) + $53 (1/2 transactions pot) - $150 (league fee) - $8 (moves) = $595

Steve = $450 (points) + $100 (Consolation) + $53 (transaction pot) -$150 - $16 (moves) = $437

Sqrl = $250 (Runner-up) - $22 (moves) = $228

Bill = $150 league fee from Kyle - $150 league fee + $100 Fudd/golf = $100

Total = 595 + 437 + 228 + 100 = 1360

Here is what everyone else owes. If there is not a total for moves, then they did not spend over $20 for their first 10 free moves.

Pat = $150
Dtz = $150 - $50 (toilet) = $100
Matt = $150 - $100 (3rd) = $50
Prev = $150
Hagan = $150 - $20 = $170
Kyle = $150 + $20 (moves) + $150 (Bill) = $320
Crane = $150 + $20 = $170
Fudd = $150 + $100 (golf) = $250

Total = 150 + 100 + 50 +150 +170 + 320 + 170 + 250 = 1360

That all Maths. So now you know what you owe. (Heggs, we can adjust my total and yours to reflect our finances if you want)

So, those who owe feel free to pay those who are owed. Just make sure you tell me so we can keep on top of the finances. I will update as we go along.

Again, congrats to our winners...most of them. And one of these years, I'll get back to weekly updates. But, I do enjoy hearing Steve cry. Steve if your that hard up for some kind of life, I'll eave the old blog up and you can read them over and over and over and over...Everyone downstairs for Blog reading!!!!!!

There will be another post shortly about the post-season fantasy playoffs.

Playoffs

The playoff schedule is set. Here are the matchups and explanations.

Steve, Pat, and Sqrl win the divisions. Pat and Kaner tied for their division and split on the season, so the next tie-breaker is division record. Pat wins that tie breaker, so he wins the division.

Sqrl and Kyle tie for the divisions, but I swept Kyle, so I get the division title.

Steve and Pat both finished with the same record, but Steve beat Pat during the year, so Steve gets the #1 seed. Pat gets the #2 seed. Pat and Steve both get byes. Since I am the 3-seed, I have to paly the six seed.

Kaner is the 4-seed.

Then we have Hagan, Crane, Bill, and Kyle all finishing at 7-7. The first place to break ties is within the division. Hagan and Crane are in the same division. Hagan beat Crane twice, so he knocks off Crane.

The next tie breaker is now between Hagan, Bill, and Kyle. Bill beat them both, so he takes the 5-seed. The 6-seed is open for Hagan and Kyle. Kyle beat Hagan so he gets the last seed.

Since I play the 6-seed, I play Kyle. Therefore, Bill plays Kaner.

Toilet Bowl

As we saidm Hagan and Crane just missed the playoffs and are the number 1 and 2 seeds in the toilet bowl. They each get byes.

Matt and Dtz finished next at 6-8. Matt lost to Dtz, so Dtz is the 3 seed and Matt is the 4-seed.

Last we have Fudd and Prev. Prev lost to Fudd, so Fudd is the 5-seed and Prev is the 6-seed.

Matchups

Steve, Pat = byes.
Sqrl vs. Kyle
Bill vs. Kaner

Hagan, Crane = byes
Dtz vs. Prev
Fudd vs. Matt.

Will The Wonders Never Cease?

We had a little Halloween Hiatus, but now we are back. But, I did take this picture of Kyle who knocked on our door for Halloween. I thought I'd share.

So, let's get you caught up on the action.

I like to think we learn from our mistakes, but I guess not. A few years ago (like we never bring this up), Matt traded that auspicious King of Pop for one of the most dominating Fantasy Football RB's of that time period. The only one who got thrilled in that deal was the Bachelor (whose been married twice now). The Callahan's Hall of Famer won both the points title and the Fantasy Bowl that year. Okay, why beat off a dead horse. We live, we learn...or do we?

Two weeks ago, like Brittany, Matt...oops did it again. And yes he was wearing the school girl outfit when he did it. Matt traded away the 2nd best fantasy QB in the league to Crane for an average WR on a bad offensive team with some of the worst QB's in the league. Matt traded Carrie Underwood' boyfriend for Larry Fitzgerald.

I know, this is not Freddy Taylor territory, but you think Matt would learn by now. He knows not to walk on I95, he learned that, so why can't he learn this?

Justice was served, though. Matt lost to Crane. The difference? Tony Romo's points. Oh Ziggy, will you ever win.

You think this couldn't get worse. It does. Kyle has single-handedly ruined the league. This is as bad as the Freddy Taylor trade. Kyle gave the Nippler of ALL people the best WR in the game. And worse yet, KYLE made the offer. Why?!

Sunday morning as usual, Kyle wakes up, throws away the tissues by his bedside and says, "I need an RB. Who's out there?" At least he didn't call me. He should have.

Kyle wipes down his mouse and jumps on his PC. He cleans his screen so he can see the roster grid. He notices Steve has an extra RB on his bench. Thomas Jones of the pitiful Jets. The guy hasn't scored all year, is part of a committee, and is at the end of his less-than-distinguished career. Gotta have him!

So Kyle, knowing T-Jones won't come cheap since he is such a dominant player, offers Steve TO. Kyle gives Steve his best player for Steve's worst player, just so he has an RB for 1 week. God forbid you pick up a Free agent for the week. Why would he do this?

To make things worse. T-Jones had a measly 3 points and Kyle lost anyway. Also, Steve is one of the top teams in the league this year, why make him better? It gets worse. When I asked Kyle why he sold his soul for one week, he said..."I have to beat Bill." All this because he was playing Bill.

Bill smoked him and deservedly so. Bill owns Kyle. I would love to Veto this trade, but the rule doesn't apply here. If we suspect someone of bullying (Frank Sebold) or cheating (Dtz) then I can veto the trade. But, if someone is just doing something stupid, I have no power. Stupidity is my Kryptonite. For the Nippler it's gold. Starting to sound like my Superman comics, so I'll stop my rant now. But, Aiden Ashton should write a letter to Hotdog this year instead of Santa and thank him for thier Christmas gifts. They came early this year.

Happy Halloweeen

I think this picture says it all.

Big Ben Dover

Costly, costly mistake. We made fun of Kyle on draft night after he selected Big Ben Rothlisberger as his starting QB. Kyle, didn't take offense, he said he was going to stick by his man. Start Big Ben through thick and thin...until this week. Kyle wavered and started a second year average QB from a run-first team. Big Ben took the bench.

Big Ben wasn't happy. Big Ben gave Kyle a taste of Big Ben right in the keester. Rothlisberger went off for 19 points right on Kyle's chin.

Kyle lost to Teacher in the midget battle by 11 points. See the difference? That let's preppy take the lead at 4-3. Slick move, Ex-lax! Teacher owns you!

Happy Freakin' Birthday, Melinson!

Is he Serious?! For Real?! He did not just trade away the second best fantasy quarterback in the league for some magic beans! He did!

It was Matt's birthday this week, but Crane got the present. Matt traded away a fantasy stud (calm down, Bill. Fantasy Football stud) for some magic beans again. Last time this happened, Matt traded away the League MVP to Pat for a pedophile pop star. This time Matt got back a banged up Cardinal who has a guy in a sling throwing to him. Matt gave up Tony Romo for Larry Fitzgerald. He'd have been better off getting Carrie Underwood instead.

Let me give you a few reasons this was such a horrible trade.

1) Matt gave up the statistical 2nd best QB n the league for 28th best wide receiver.

2) When asked why he made the trade, Matt's answer was "Mike asked me."

3) Two of the Wide Receivers ranked ahead of Fitzgerald are Free Agents.

5) The player Matt benched to start Fitzgerald (Jeremy Shockey) had better stats this week.

6) The starting QB for the Cardinals was signed last week. A week ago, this guy was playing football on his Sega Genesis.

7) Matt should have learned his lesson after the Freddy Taylor debacle.

8) Matt felt that dropping from the second best QB in the league down to the 25th best QB (Brees) would make up for the 5 extra points he would get on the year from Shockey to Fitzgerald.

Last time Matt made this kind of infamous trade, Pat went on to win both the Fantasy Bowl and the Points Title. Can Mike Crane do the same? I called Mike and asked him about the trade. This was my answer, "Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha"

If you listen closely, you can still hear him laughing... Terrible Trade, but Happy Birthday, Matt.

Go Google Yourself

Or as Kyle would probably say GGY! Have you ever? Come on, you can tell me. I won't say a word. I know Dtz likes to buy magazines for his special Googling time. Bill does it, I know that for a fact. Have you ever Googled yourself? Well, if you didn't, I did it for you. Here is the number one result in Google for each of your names. I never knew our friends led such diverse lives...

Home: Patrick O'Donnell, Professional Comedian
Patrick O'Donnell, Professional Comedian. Over 20 years of experience in: comedy clubs, corporate functions, private parties, special events, and master of ...www.patrickodonnellcomedy.com/home.htm

Los Angeles Elder Law Attorney Southern California Elder Abuse ...
Free consultation. Los Angeles elder abuse attorney Kevin P. Kane provides skilled legal assistance in regard to elder abuse and nursing home neglect.www.kevinpkane.com/

http://www.christopherdietz.org/
www.christopherdietz.org. Please click here to view the non-framed version.www.christopherdietz.org/

cantonrep.com/bridal
Melissa J. Holton, 22, of Walhonding and Michael M. Previtera, 22, of 7496 Ellesmere Ave. NW, Plain Township. Ashley L. Bruckelmeyer, 19, and Brian C. Meade ...www2.cantonrep.com/bridal/marriageApps.php?ID=372691

Michael Hagan Profile - Forbes.com
Michael Hagan compensation, earnings, stock options, career history, current profile and additional information at Forbes.com.www.forbes.com/finance/mktguideapps/personinfo/FromPersonIdPersonTearsheet.jhtml?passedPersonId=936835

International Health, Life and Income Insurance for expatriates ...
Global life, health and income protection insurance specialists. Individual and corporate plans for expatriates, with award winning customer service.www.william-russell.com/

FIN 48 from different perspectives - 14 Jun 2007
6 Matthew D. Melinson, CPA, "Who Gets the Tax when Telecommuting? ... Matthew D. Melinson, CPA, is a director in the state and local tax practice of SMART ...www.accountingweb.com/.../item.cgi?id=103625&d=883&h=884&f=882&dateformat=%25o%20%25B%20%25Y

Kind of takes the fun out of it when you Google yourself and it is actually you, Matt. Get a life!

Mark Kennedy - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
[1] Kennedy has prominently featured his family in his campaign advertisements. As a Republican congressman, Mark Kennedy has a 96% voting record in support ...en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mark_Kennedy

Welcome to Kevin W. McClain Investigations, Ltd. on line. When you ...
Kevin W. McClain Investigations, Ltd is a professional investigative corporation serving individuals, attorneys, and business nationwide.www.wespy4u2.com/

Michael Crane (II)
Michael Crane (II) on IMDb: Movies, TV, Celebs, and more...www.imdb.com/name/nm0186401/

Kyle Shanahan - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Kyle Shanahan is the current quarterbacks coach for the NFL's Houston Texans. His father, Mike Shanahan, is the current head coach for the Denver Broncos. ...en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kyle_Shanahan

Steven McCloskey II
Steven McCloskey II on IMDb: Movies, TV, Celebs, and more...www.imdb.com/name/nm2031876/

Jenny, I've Got Your Number.

Not one, but two people set themselves up for this joke in one week!

First was Kyle. It was a layup. Lost cell phone, send email, need numbers. Kennedy! Of course the annoying little man has to hit "Reply to All" and give out 867-5309 as his number. Probably got a few chuckles here and there, but did nothing more than annoy the all-beef hotdog.

But, the real fun came when Raz sent out this little doozy.

Does anyone have a cell phone number for Fudd the Golfer? The number I have is disconnected.

That left it wide open (heh-heh he said wide-open) for Kurt's reply...267-867-5309 (Cell)

You would think that would send up a red flag, but nope! Raz's reply...NOT IN SERVICE

Giggle. So, of course, as good Squirrel disciples, we take the next step. Fun-in-a-can of all people steps up his game...I think it’s 215-867-5309. I have to say, Skiball, even though you beat me in fantasy football this week and took over the points lead...Nicely Done!

But then, someone came along and ruined the fun by giving Raz the real number (Pat), we won't mention any names (Pat), but let's just say he's got Hall of Fame numbers.

Power Midget Bulks Up

Speaking of Bill's poor kicking choices, it not only cost him a win over Crane, but Kyle beat Teacher on the Fantasy Football field as well. By less than 11 points.

That means Teacher falls to 2-3 on the ongoing Power Midget bet. As you can see, this was a big week for Kyle and the Sexy Eater is turning into an all-beef hotdog...mmmmm.

Kick Ass!

I'm sorry, but I have to keep bringing this up. Bill was so proud he drafted three NFL kickers on draft night. "I'm gonna screw Kennedy". Wouldn't be the first time, we did live together for a while... Anyway, the only one he ended up screwing was himself (something he's used to).

Not only did he force me to pick the best kicker in fantasy football, but every week he starts the wrong kicker. He has yet to start the kicker on his roster with the most points. This week it cost him another win. Teacher lost to Crane on the Fantasy Football field by 10 points. His kicker, Josh Brown of the Seattle Seahawks had zero points. Shutout. Bill's favorite team bit him in the ass. Again, something not unfamiliar to Bill.

His bench kicker, Nate Kaedning of the San Diego Chargers had 11 points. Enough for the win over Crane. Nice job, Mash-Man, nice job.

Help a Brother Out

I know this is a fantasy football blog, but as you know it has to be entertaining as well. That's where you come in. I can find some funny pictures, but help a little squirrel out. If you come across a funny pic, send it to me, or send me the link. I'm sure I can come up with a good story that sounds mostly believable...mostly...

So, when you see a funny picture like this one of Dtz on one of his infamous trips to the Amazon (inside joke for some) I can hear Prev giggling, get it in my hands. I'll make it work.

What do you mean me?! Squirrel, if I'm not mistaken, that looks more like you and big Meg. Stop laughing, Prev.

Mighty Morphin' Power Midgets

We prefer to be called little people, thank you! This week I was the smaller of the little people. Bill dwarfed me on the fantasy football field and almost doubled my score. It was worse than the time I beat him on a 90-yarb bomb from B-hen and turned and pointed as I caught and ran...and got tackled on the one.

But the mighty preppy giant didn't stop there. Oh no. He had a hotdog for lunch as well. Kyle decided he didn't need Jerr Porters two touchdowns in his lineup. He felt Wes Welker, 3rd down Wide Receiver, was a better start than a number one wide reciever. Therefore he wanted Bill to beat him by 4 points and let Bill tie up the Season Bet at 2-2.

There were some other games as well, but this week you have to be under 3 inches to get a writeup. Therefore since Steve is under three inches of dangling flesh (hung like a light switch), he gets a mini-writeup as well. The Nippler won. He is 4-0. Good Luck this week, Steeeve! (Reverse jinx)

Go Phils

The Eagles are 1-3. Your Fantasy Football team stinks. All your players keep getting hurt. Steven Jackson was your number one pick. There's plenty of reasons to take a long walk on I-95 at 3am in the winter without a coat while your dad looks for you, but don't give up hope. There is something to get excited about.

The Phillies! One of the greatest entries into the playoffs ever. Better yet at the expense of the choking New York Mets. Sure this is a Fantasy Football site, but not this week. This week it's all about the Phightin' Phils!

Reminds me of the old days...Kruk, Schilling, Mickey "Dtz" Morindini. Go Phils!

Fudd Gets Rid of His VD

It's about time! Fudd finally takes his doctor's advice and clears himself of his VD. Of course, we tried not to give him any Cowboys during the draft, but during the season he was bound to get one. A Cowboy, not VD. He already had that.

So, Fudd cut the massive-armed Vernon Davis for that no good stinkin' Dallas Cowboy, Jason Witten. Witten had a good game. Better than Vernon Davis' year totals. Actually better than his career total. Witten scored and...Fudd lost. Fudd picked him up (Witten, not VD), but didn't start him. Cost Fudd the win. I don't think anyone feels bad for the Cowboy Lover (no wonder he has VD). Fudd should take his Broke-Back Mountain ass back to Dallas. If you're going to pick up a Cowboy, Fudd, at least start him...or wear a condom. That's how you get VD!

By the way, I think Fudd likes golf. He might like Cod, but I know he likes Golf. If you want to golf on Columbus Day, or any other day for that matter, email Fudd. If you do golf, make sure you wear protection and whatever you do, don't let him talk you into playing one of those mountain courses!

VD Update

Wow, big day! Las week Vernon Davis's big arms caught 2 passes for 23 yards. He cried like a Squirrel who needed a stitch that he wanted more action. The San Francisco 49ers gave it to him. He doubled his production 4 catches for 56 yards. Great Stats. This guy is the next Keith Jackson.

Then it happened. Snap, Crackle, Pop. Like all good STD's, VD goes down. The workload was too much to bear for this 3rd round SQFFL draft pick. How long will he be out? Is his career over? Only Dtz (who has the inside track on this guy knows). Find out next time, Same VD Time, same VD Blog channel...

Three's a Charm

Wow, three weeks into the season and we're still blogging. That beats last years record of two weeks. Some more fun "3" facts. Three must be my number because I'm 3-0 and I'm leading the points total yet again for the third year in a row. Yes, I'm bragging. My blog, I'm allowed. And only 3 people are reading this thing anyway.

Is 3 Stev'es number as well? He is 3-0. He is the third most powerful person at Thompson Toyota...or is he (See Steve's post). Threeeeeeeee sounds like Steeeeeeeve! And there are exactly 3 editions in the Nippler Saga!

Benchwarmer

It was awesome to watch. Best Eagles game in a while. As an added Bonus if you had McNabb, Westbrook, or Kevin Curtis in your Fantasy Football lineup, it was that much sweeter. IF...

Two words Prev, Ha-Ha. And I know what your thinking, Prev. I didn't need Kevin Curtis in my lineup! I won anyway. I beat Teacher by...zzzzzzzz!

So, you didn't need his 26 points this week, but how mad are you going to be when you miss finishing in the money by less than 26 points. Don't worry, we'll be keeping tabs. Go Birds!

Hey, Matt!

Stick to basketball, Matt. It's time to retire from Fantasy Football. It's bad enough you lost to Fudd last week and his all star squad consisting of Vernon Davis, Mark Clayton, and LJ Smith, bit this week's performance against me was pitiful. When your best player is a Dallas Cowboy Quarterback who sits on your bench, it's a sign.

You had some good years back in the early nineties, but like your favorite draft pick, Jerry Rice, you've overstayed your welcome. I mean, come on! The only person you can beat up on is Kyle? That's too easy. Even Teacher slaps him around week after week. Throw away your shoulder pads (yes, even the knee pads) and go inflate your balls (basket balls that is). Stick to the hardwood, leave the Fantasy Football to the professionals. I own you.

Love and Kisses,

The New Ivyland Mayor

Oh Baby!

Congrats to one of our illustrous ex-owners, Joe Shenko. Joe was so excited about his new son that he went and got the boy a present at Rhawn and the Boulevard. Expert Witnesses

Just think, son. When you get older, you can buy these yourself. Uncle Dtz will show you how. Just don't let old man Kennedy catch you doing it!

Congrats go out to Joey Shenko and his new addition: Ryan Joseph Shenko weighed in at 9lbs 4 oz and 22 inches. Mom and baby are doing well. nj snow removal

GF Me?!

That time of year again, I suppose. Kyle puts in his fantasy football bids and gives me the famous three letters in the comments section...GFY.

In that regard, I'm proud to announce that Kyle did not get any players tonight. Shutout. Crane, Kaner, Steeeeeeevvvveee, and Dtz get their guys. Kyle gets a hotdog right in the pooper. Kyle, GFY!

You Lost?! No Wonder You're So Cranky

When you get beat by a team with VD, you know things are bad. Elmer Fudd takes down the Poison Platypus 54-40. Hey, Matt! You got beat by McNabb and he stinks.

One of Fudd's Wide Receivers, Mark Clayton from the Baltimore Ravens, had -1 receiving yards. That's right, negative one yards. Donovon McNabb had one of his worst games ever. Vernon Davis just flat out stinks. And yet Fudd still slapped Matt around on the fantasy football field. Secretly Kyle is laughing somewhere. Serve's him right!

I Thought You Were 3rd

Steve beat Prev. That's all you need to know about this game. However, there is something more important to discuss.

Wasn't this an exact quote from Steve? I am the Third Most Powerful Person at Thompson Toyota.

So, how come when I go to the Thompson website and find a picture of the three most powerful people there, he is not one of them? Hmmmm. Did you get demoted recently, SkiBall? Did the owner cath you sniffing dirty underwear in the corporate locker room? Stuck waxing all the Corrollas? What happened? I thought you were top three?

Hall of Fame Numbers

Sorry, Pat. Those days are long gone. You only get married twice, penis face. But, in celebrating your big win over Mean Hands, I figured I'd give you a glimpse of your past. Now, I know you've never seen the building in daylight, so here it is. A first for everything. Maybe when you turn 65 you can go back on the senior tour and pick up some blue-hairs. Hey, who knows, it could even be changed back to Loretta's by then.

T for Teacher, T for Trade!

On the block update from the Blind Datin', Waitin', Big Apple Grillin', Nipsy, Teachin', Mashin', Keggin', Knows the Next Line, $10,000 piece of machinery his ass pissin', kicker draftin', non attention spannin', Preppy TEACHER!

Bill would like to trade PAyton, not Peyton, Manning for some magic beans. Based on past experience, Pat would be smart to offer any Philadelphia Eagle and an autograph picture of Scotty Brooks at Kev Kane's upcoming wedding for the best QB in the league.

The Mighty Morphin' Power Midget is asking for a QB in return along with a WR. Kolb and James Thrash should do the trick, but you might have to throw in a CD to seal the deal. Bill's favorite Bands are The Beach Boys and the Hooters in case you're at Circuit City. For real, he's admitted this publicly.

And in case you ever have to make a trade with the Nippler, he is a big fan of the early 90's big 3. LeCompte, Fuzzy Bunny Slippers, and Mr. Green Jeans.

Another Round of VD

Vernon Davis' stats for NFL Week 2. Wow! This guy IS good. 2 more catches for 23 yards bringing up his year to date total to...4 catches 27 yards. Big arms means big plays. Clearly the best of the 3rd round picks. Especially compared to my picks in the last two rounds. Minnesota Defense and the Pittsburgh Steelers Kicker, Jeff Reed (thanks for taking all those kickers, Bill). They suck.

CBS Sportsline Website

As usual, something is wrong with the website, so I can't log in to finsish the rest of the game recaps. So annoying. It's always something with these guys at CBS. They protect their site like Fort Knox and every year 2 or 3 people can't log in.

Then every few Sundays they shut down. And now, on those random busy Tuesday nights, I can't login either. So hopefully, they'll fix this by tomorrow so I can finish the game recaps, in the meantime, here are some posts to keep you occupied.

Sexy Eater Gets Eaten

Yeah, okay. That's a bad headline. I'm setting myself up, but I couldn't resist this picture. While you're laughing at that and thinking about our lovable sexy eater, I'll quickly tell you that Kyle got his ass kicked...again. This his fantasy football team loses by 20 points to the best team in the league...Mine. Not only am I 0-2, but once again, i posted the week high and well on my way to the points total three-peat. I'm not one to brag, but I'm telling you right now, I will take the title. I may not win the Fantasy Bowl, but I will win the points total. You heard it here first. Now, go back to laughing at that ridiculous picture.

My Young Ward

Looks like Ward was the hot fantasy football transaction this week. Everybody wanted this New York Giant running back. The next Barry Sanders. Well, you all tried, but Kaner was the lottery winner with his pitiful Sunday performance. So, here he is, Kaner. You're starting fantasy football running back. Mr. Burt Ward. You may recognize him from a certain TV show.

Holy package, Batman! IT company

Poll Dancing

It was a tight race. Tighter than Mikey Raz's wallet, but at the last second, Vernon Davis pulled out...I mean away. He has officially been voted as the worst pick of the draft.

Speaking of polls (Easy, Kyle! I said Poll not Pole. This ain't a strip club...yet), from now on I am going to post all polls on the blog. So if you got a good one (fantasy football related or not), email it to me and I'll post it. Oh, one more thing. Don't forget to vote!

Hockeeeeee!

Ready, son? At the count of three...One...Two...Hockeee!!!!!!!

The Dtz's celebrate the big win over Giggles. It was never close. Even with Prev's 42 bench points, (More that Kaner's starters), Dtz had no chance of losing this one. When half your players score double digit fantasy football points, it's tough to lose. So, there's a lot of happy faces around the Dtz household...at least until 3am when the girls get up. Time to make the formula....

HalfBall Fantasy Football

Poor Mike Crane. Rumor has it that last year he looked like Mark Kennedy trying to bat in the Torresdale Halfball Tournament. Heard there were tantrums, bat-throwings, and some not nice language. Then, this same little SQFFL spy told me that Crane was cut from this year's team for Pat O'Donnell and Chalie "Soupy" Campbell.

To add insult to injury, the non-bachelor, goes on to slap Mike around on the fantasy football field as well. Mike thought he had this one in the bag on Thursday night after Wayne lit it up with 2 TD's and 115 yards, but it was all downhill from there. The Frankford Avenue Hall of Famer unloaded 63 points on Mike's Chin and took the win. I'm sure there were more tantrums on Tremont Street after that one.

Branch Gets More Palm than Leather

I think it was the 3rd or 4th round when Kaner drafted Deion Branch of the Seattle Seahawks. That's when Pat blurted out, "He got cut and I have Hall of Fame numbers at the bars on Frankford Ave!"

After much debate about Branch and the Bachelor's all time numbers, kaner decided to keep Branch. Turns out Pat was wrong (about a lot of things) and Branch was going to be starting this weekend. He might as well have been cut. His numbrs were worse than the pick right before him...Vernon Davis. No catches, no yards.

With players like that, Hags did another Rocky impression and sent Kaner Gunn into the Septa Bus without looking back. 46-25. Never Close. Was Shenko right in his post? Is Kaner frazzled? Is he going to cut Branch? Only one way to find out...See you next week, same Kaner Time, different Kaner car...

You Guys are Nuts!

I'm not one to kick a fantasy football team when they are down. It's bad enough to find your relief pitcher drafted Vernon Davis in the 3rd round in a league that doesn't start Tight Ends. So, I'm going to take the high road and just let everyone know I beat Fudd and his VD.

By the way, VD's stats... 1 catch 4 yards. According to Dtz, his arms are bigger than his yardage.

However, I will let everyone know that I am going to win the points total for the third year in a row. And after this week I am well on my way to the three-peat. First place already...to easy. In the immortal words of a certain wrestler...Next!

What's the next line? At least I know the next Line! - Bill Nipsy Russell - Las Veags - Circa 2001

$10,000 Piece of Machinary My Ass!

"I'll draft three kickers in order to screw Kennedy since he doesn't have a kicker yet."

Teacher, you screwed no one but yourself (not that you're not used to that!). The kicker I got in the last round? Jeff Reed, Pittsburgh Steelers. 10 Points. Your best kicker, Josh Brown of the Seattle Seahawks, 8 points.

Eight points from Bill's best fantasy football kicker. But, here's the best part. Bill's best kicker was on the bench. Riding the pine. Cost Teacher the win since the kicker he did start scored only 2 points. That's 6 points Teacher left on the bench. For those of you who aren't the 3rd most powerful people at Thompson Toyota (soon to be 2nd once the Nippler strikes this Halloween) here's some simple math. Bill lost by 5 points. Would've won of he didn't have a kicking controversy.

There is little solice in the fact that he did lose to Mr. Thompson Toyota. Looks like Teacher is only number 4 around the dealership. But, as we all know, as bad as it is for the mighty morphin' power midget, it could be worse. Bill was a loser this weekend, but at least he ain't Kilroy. Like Hey Matt, Bill edges out Hotdog by a few points and takes the first battle of the infamous 17-week war.

I'm a Loser, Baby! But At Least I'm Not Kilroy

Another Blogger writes for the SQFFL. Maybe this thing is catching on. Hey, Matt! What do you have to say?

My luck's been running bad lately but thank God Killroy is around...

Thurs night - In Wash DC enjoying a drink at precisely 8:41 PM- I notice a text message from my brother Tim (aka Ernie Jones) sent at maybe 7:30 PM. He wants to bet the Saints that night in the 8:30 game. So of course I liked the Saints also - so I barely get it in right around kickoff. 41-10 Indy (see Squirrel's earlier Blog for details).

That sets me into betting motion. Since I know nothing about College football but knew I may be able to catch some of the games (which I did not), I followed up with sweet bets on Notre Dame and VA Tech Saturday. Now I've got to get my $ back Sunday, so bets on Jets, Atlanta and Eagles crush me. Sweet weekend.

A tie on Arizona last night significantly improved my record to 0-6-1. Also, my suicide pick was Jacksonville, and of course I'm out week one. You can imagine how I did in the other pool I'm in where you pick all games vs the spread. Maybe 200th of 250 people.

My Fantasy Football team crapped the bed also other than Burress and Green Bay Defense, but in the back of my mind I knew I was playing Kyle so I may possibly have a chance to win.
Didn't get a chance to look at scores all weekend or Monday until Tuesday afternoon in work...

51-50 Killroy loses. Deeper analysis into the box score indicates that we were apparently tied prior to the Monday night 10:25 game, and I had Eddie James and Killory had Frank Gore. 17th pick overall smokes the 4th pick overall 9-8 and Killroy loses as usual.

Thanks Easter Bunny Roy - buck, buck.

Remember

September 11th, 2001

Another World Heard From

Shenkshot takes a potshot at Kaner...

Kev is without a doubt Shenkless. By the looks of that team he might be win-less also. Please don't make me come out of retirement and win another championship!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lesson Learned

Another brief commentary from yet another outside source. This one comes from everyone's favortie Soup-stirrer....Bobby Mzzzzzzztzzzzszzzzzzzs...

What We Learned Thursday Night:

Reggie Bush is the least funny NFL player of all time, Marvin Harrison will probably be the best WR in the league until he's 45 years old, I'd rather have Matt Melinson playing linebacker on my team than #58 on the Saints, and the NFL most likely fixed all the Saints games last year to make them a feel-good story.

Screwed by the Saints

Wow, double whammy! I was half right. The defense wasn't caught up yet, but it was just New Orleans defense who wasn't caught up. The Colts defense was on its game.

I guess I can find one silver lining in the storm clouds. I can honestly say I am a better coach than Sean Peyton. Not only would I have designed better plays like the direct snap to Teacher who passes it to Squirrel, I would have gone for it on 4th and inches trailing 17 to the Indianapolis Colts in the 4th Quarter. Yes, Mike Crane is a better quarterback than Jeff Kemp and Pat Ryan and yes, I am a better coach than Sean Peyton.

And as for the total...so close. Orlindo Mare may have cost Crane 3 fantasy football points with his missed field goal in the first quarter, but he cost me 55 smackers since I missed my 2 1/2 points. $10,000 per game kicker my ass!

Not a good start to the season. Although it could be worse, I could have started Drew Brees, Colsten, or Reggie Bush. So not only was I screwed by the Saints, but so were the owners who spent high draft picks on Saints players. Kudos to Holla Back Hagan for benching Deuce McAllister. That would have never happened if Kurt were around.

Looks like I'll be going full tilt on Sunday to recover my losses Hopefully my fantasy squad will do better than the New Orleans Aints!

Saints Alive!

I'm making my first prediction of the season, and no it doesn't have anything to do with Fantasy Football. It has to do with Real Football! I predicting the upset...spread-wise that is. The Indianapolis Colts are favored by six. Take the Saints! They ain't the Ain'ts anymore.

I'm thinking this is a letdown season for the Colts and the saints showed some real progress on the year. Plus, I think on myself and Brian Hennesey call better plays than Sean Peyton. I also like the over. I know it's high at 53, but opening weeks usually warrant higher scores since defenses always get off to slow starts. And these teams have great offenses.

Prediction: Half dollars on New Orleans and the over.

Dollar Draft Night

First it's at Matt's, then it's at Steve's (downstairs for drafting!), then it's at Tony's, then Crane's, then Flukes, then Kyle's, then Hooters (Bill's Favorite Band), then it's in Longport... Where the heck is this thing?!

Finally, it is at Kyle's. But, not for everyone. As you know, Fudd was a no-show and caught VD for his troubles. So, now that the fantasy football draft is finally over, let's see the high light reel...

The last time Dtz had the Number One draft pick. 1991, the year of the ultimate weapon. Randall Cunningham was MVP and was the number one pick in the first ever SQFFL fantasy football draft. He went down game 1. Fast-forward to 2007. Dtz again is drafting the MVP with the first pick. Must mean Tomlinson is going down faster than Bill's hand on Saturday Morning.

Steve goes on "You Bet Your Life", not once, but three times! I'd bet on a lot of things. Kyle racing to get beer from Kurt's apartment (Run, Forrest), betting Teacher would get married first, 2-7 off-suit, even on Matt finding his way home on I-95. But, betting my life on TO being selected by Fudd in the second round? If there was ever any doubt that crooked nipples was the cause of insanity, there isn't now.

"Squirrel, is this guy still out there?" Yup. "Thanks, I'll take...." (giggle)

"He has big arms!"

"What comes after 109? Oh, here he is."

"I'll take Patty Agnew."

"Hey, Matt!"

"I'm going to draft 3 kickers. That'll show everybody!"

"For my second pick, I'll take Ronnie Brown."

"Did someone really take Ike Turner?"

But, we did get it done in under 2 hours and we did manage to get in two poker tournaments (which I won the first), so another successful draft this year.

That leaves us with one question. Who do we think has the best fantasy football team? Last Year I said it was Kaner going in. I was wrong, it turned out to be me and Deitz. However, Kaner's squad did have a good year and he made the playoffs.

This year I give the nod to Kyle. He has a good quarter...I'm sorry I can't do this. I can;t keep a straight face. Kyle's team stinks. I mean come on. Ronnie Brown? Big Ben? Steve's ready to bet his life on Bill's team over Kyle's this year...then Bill goes and picks three kickers. Looks like Steve is a goner.

However, if I had to pick the early favorites (which isn't me this year), my top 3 are Matt, Dtz, and yes, Kaner again. For Dtz it will be tough to screw up with Carson Palmer, Tomlinson, and Gates, but there is that first pick jinx going around. For Matt having Carlos Santana an the guitar with Steven Jackson and Drew Brees (throw in hometown Reggie Brown) and you've got a good band. But, Matt will screw it up and pick up someone like Musa Smith and start him. As for Kaner, I think he got a steal in Lee Evans and when you have a Bulge and a Bush on your team, how can you go wrong?

The rest of the teams (like my own) are pretty equal, except for Bill and Kyle. That's going to be some battle. Bet the under each week.

Thursday Night Special

In case you forgot, the official NFL kickoff is Thursday Night. The Indianapolis Colts take on the New Orleans Saints. Since these teams both have high-powered offenses, there's a lot of players on your fantasy Football rosters that need to be started.

So, if you haven't already, get your lineups in. If you need help, call or email me. I've already put in Matt's, Fudd's, mine, and Prev's. I'll do it for you if you are having issues with the website.

Here's the players who should be starting. If you see your name on this list, check your lineup.

Matt already has Drew Brees in.
Crane should have Reggie Wayne and Orlindo Mare in.
Pat should have Adam Vineteri in.
Steve should have Addai in.
Hags should have Marvin Harrison in.
Kaner should have Reggie Bush (hehe, he said Bush) in.
And Teacher should have Peyton Manning and Marquois Colsten in, but not any of his three kickers.

Good Luck to most and keep in mind there are two Monday Night Football games this week.

Squiggly Miggs Pays it Forward

We need a favor. We need someone to draft Fudd's fantasy football team because he is busy lifting 300 pound pipes over his head and golfing 4 times a day. So, we ask Miggs. Miggs says no. We beg. Miggs says no. We plead. Miggs says no. We throw in Shrek 3 tickets. Squiggs says....hmmm...okay, deal!

Miggs makes a pick and we yell at him. Miggs makes another pick and Steve bets his life it's the wrong pick. Miggs makes another pick and we yell, we scream. Pick after pick we argue. We break his balls all night and he is doing us the favor.

Despite it all, Miggs does a great job. He gives Fudd two Eagles, he gives Fudd three other players from the NFC East, he even gives Fudd VD. But most important, he doesn't give Fudd anyone from Dallas. All year Fudd will be forced to say, "How 'bout dem Eagles!"

So Miggs, that's how it goes. You do us a favor and Steve dies. Either way, a special thanks from the SQFFL. We all chipped in and bought you a picture. You can find it at LemonParty

You Have VD

Special Thanks to our very Nipplicious Reporter Steeeeeeve...

Vernon Davis ready for big year
Vernon Davis, TE San Francisco Forty Niners News:

49ers TE Vernon Davis is ready for the season-opener against Arizona. "I feel good going in," Davis said Tuesday in the San Jose Mercury News. "I got a good amount of reps in the preseason and in training camp. I'm getting the ball a lot, and now what we've got to do is transfer this onto the field. It's just a matter of opportunity now."

Davis was limited last season, when he missed six games because of a broken right leg. But he showed glimpses of the game-breaking speed and power that made him the No. 6 overall draft pick in 2006.

Davis had 20 catches for 265 yards and three touchdowns in 10 games as a rookie. He's looking to expand on those numbers in a big way, and in the process become the first tight end in 49ers history to reach 1,000 yards receiving.

Analysis: You have to love Davis' confidence. He is a No. 1 Fantasy TE and should be started in all leagues in Week 1 against the Cardinals


So, what's the big deal if Fudd gets VD in the 4th round (I'm sure he's had worse). You get a TE with 26 yards per game and 3 TD's on the year. Bonus because we don't even start TE's. Great pick, DTZ. Thanks for suggesting that one.

"I love this guy! He's got big arms!" That's...that's just weird.

We're Back, Baby!

Showtime! The 2007 SQFFL (Squirrel Fantasy Football League) is under way...

So where were we? I think I stopped posting on the fantasy football blog around the third week last year. Mike Melinson was the only one reading it...or so I thought. A few little birdies, and an even littler (no, that's not a word) Teacher told me they were actually reading it. And one certain Nipple-Man told me it was on his favorites. Wow! I'm impressed.

Therefore, how can I disappoint my loyal fans? I mean anyone who was kind enough to read the entire Nippler Trilogy (even the 3rd one which was awful. What was I on when I wrote that?) should get their fill of SQFFL updates. Even if they have nothing to do with Fantasy Football most of the time.

So, here is post 1 of 2007. I had to write something quick in order to set up the blog, but there will be more to come. Then again, I'll probably stop by week 3 again...we'll see.